Recently, I have become particularly conscious of the ways in which Jesus calls me into places that make me feel out of control. I find that Jesus does not want me simply to believe things about him, or even to superficially accept his leadership in my life. He wants me to trust him completely. In practical terms, this means letting go of anything that gives me the illusion of control - whether over the world, other people, or even my own life. His will, presence and love must increase, and my own willfulness must give way.(1)
two different churches.
Who am I, after all? What is my role? Where do I fit in? Just keep your eyes on me, says Jesus. You are my beloved friend, and your role is to do whatsoever I command you.(2)
But this false order cannot hold. A self-willed life is a constant race to keep a lid on the true depth and complexity of existence. I cannot hold the anxiety and doubt at bay without twisting my own spirit in the process. The truth about this life is far too mysterious and wonderful for me. I need Jesus to guide me through it.
1. I am reminded of the words of John the Baptist in John 3:30.
2. See John 15:14