In my experience, one of the main
things that the Holy Spirit does is to uncover the hidden wounds that
have become so normal to me. The Spirit reveals that which is buried
under the surface, shining light in the darkness. It exposes the
truth, and offers me the chance to embrace it, though it is often
painful.
In recent days, God has been revealing
my own hidden selfishness. The Spirit has drawn my attention time and
again to the many ways in which I put myself first. My self-centered
way of living is so normal that, without God's help, I would never
have noticed it.
It is easy to assume that my life and
my needs are at the center. I have been brought up in a society that
encourages me to conceive of myself as the protagonist in an epic
story. Since I am the "main character," it is easy to
assume that what is best for me is best in general. And as a
Christian, it is easy to confuse my own preferences for God's will.
This false worldview is hard to break
through. Mainstream American society is built around the idea of the
autonomous, self-sufficient individual. Nowhere is this more true
than the labor market. Today, it is widely assumed and understood
that each person must operate as a free agent, without ultimate
loyalty to any party or organization. We are encouraged to think of
employment as a transaction, to calculate what we are "worth"
to a prospective employer in dollar terms, and to justify ourselves
as commodities.
In this environment, we are encouraged
to be self-focused, because it can make the difference between a
good-paying job and unemployment. When we interview, we present
ourselves in the most positive terms possible. We play up the best
parts of ourselves, because we fear that revealing any weakness might
cost us the job. And, most of the time, we are probably right.
Success, in the world's terms, depends on self-promotion. We learn to
fight for our own advancement, rather than seeking out the good of
the organization and society as a whole.
I feel convicted of the ways in which I
personally play into this dynamic. The path of self-promotion feels
safer. It is easier to clothe myself in human strength, attempting to
impress others with my embellished accomplishments. Yet, I feel God
challenging me to live in a way that lays bare my own fragile
humanity. I feel called to seek the truth recklessly, and to lead a
life of simple trust and vulnerability.
What would it be like if I were to shed
all fear of my fellow men and women? What if, instead of calculating
how others might help or hinder my own ambitions, I opened my eyes to
God's incredible love for them - and acted on that?
1 comment:
Thanks, Micah. I took a lot longer than you to figure this out. And what a relief it has been to stop pretending (mostly).
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